Thursday, January 29, 2015

Truly, Madly.. Tired

AS always the idea to write, has once again become this bigger than I am actually am feat-
I want to write but most days too exhausted to pull together more than just a list of things that need done..

I LOVE writing more than anything else as a hobby- and it is NOT JUST a hobby for me
it is a way to get my ideas, feelings, and venting out without tiring the poor sap who has decided to be  "good friend" by listening but grows tired from hearing all the "drama"-

it is not necessarily that I have drama, or that my life is more dramatic then most- for me it is everyday life- just as your life is everyday for you (unless something new happens) and there is always something new but what I mean is the everyday hum-drum activities and goings ons..some people will not understand my life, and I too, will not understand someone else's life

writing is by far better- I don't have to filter thoughts, ideas, words, or anything- I feel totally free to express myself like any artists does-

NO I am not saying I am a "artist" nor did I imply in the sentences above I am a GOOD writer but nonetheless I love to write

I have come to the conclusion that when one is tired they are truly mad- could be crazy mad, or angry but either way they are mad-

angry mad because lets face it lack of sleep usually doesn't  make A PERSON FEEL BETTER, OR HAPPY

and crazy mad because sometimes one can become delusional- and its not a joke to be severely sleep deprived

I am not sure what category of mad I fall under- maybe both as my feelings alternate between the 2.

I am not even sure what is going on when I sleep but hubby is concerned because I have more seizures in my sleep- I am not even sure I can call whatever that happens in my sleep seizures but I am not shivering, nor cold, It is not because I had a dream I fell or this sort of thing- it is something I am unaware of and something my body does whilst asleep- (especially when I am lacking sleep) and it is consistent convulsion like movements none of which I am controlling nor aware of.

I am not sleeping well because the twins most nights will sleep an hour or so then wake up and refuse to go back to bed- and I am up til 2,3 or 4 am- then a few hours of sleep before getting up at 6:30 am to take the older kids to school- it is not that I am complaining but I am very much sleep deprived


My twins who (I thought) got over the phase of getting into things, and I was totally tricked to think this curiosity of sorts stopped as no issues in 8 months would indicate improvement, and understanding ..

I can barely go to the bathroom now- as the other night I went to the bathroom and they were all content watching Daniel tigers neighborhood and about 7 minutes later I find a whole jar of hair cream (which they have been trying to open for weeks and never were capable of opening) and they smeared nearly the entire 4 kg tub all over half of living room- shoe closet, inside of front door, all along wall, couch, and carpet and not to mention themselves- all while the older 3 DD 8 years, DS 5, and DD 4 watching them as if what they were doing was normal.

I wasn't even sure what to do as far as punishment but I was contemplating on whether or not I should let them stay up- and THAT idea totally left my mind as I decided that 8:30 was bedtime- I cleaned up the younger 2, and the older 3 went to bed- then for 1 hour proceeded to clean this thick hair cream off of everything- and it got clean but took a lot of energy from me

yesterday, I went to pick up older 2 from school- hubby was supposed to be up and getting ready for work as he usually leaves shortly after arriving from school with the kids.
however, he has been sleep deprived as well and fell back to sleep- the twins got into a very tan foundation that should have been thrown out anyway  and rubbed it all over their faces, arms, stomachs, and legs and MOST of their bodies (except for a few hilarious Caucasian "splotches") were covered and it was a cream based foundation so actually cleaning it off was very difficult- and then end result left a residue in the tub that took 45 minutes to scrub out.

I would love it if I didn't have all these extra messes so I could focus on everyday things- laundry, etc and have a clean organized place but it almost never happens because I usually do not have the amount of energy it takes to get it all done in a day- and everyday is a circle- I can't catch up - I am just doing the same I did the day before but it never all gets done/.. I have thought if I could get a family member to care for them for a few days I would totally clean and organize everything because my life is stressful enough and the disorganization of the whole place makes me frustrated..

I guess it is something that most mom's go through- is it worth it TOTALLY WITHOUT A DOUBT but it is hard-